A month and a day later...

It's been a month and day since I posted about my ongoing confrontation with depression.

I'd intended posting much sooner than this, but as seems to be the way with the Father and I, there is a lesson to follow each of my blog posts and this was no exception.

(my own photo - taken at Hellfire Beach, WA, 2009)

This lesson wasn't learned quickly, nor can I attest to having finally conquered it, but I can say that my understanding of what triggers these dark inky depths of time has become clearer.

In understanding what triggers my episodes of depression I am able to see them coming, and as well as doing practical things  - like planning relaxing rest times, eating fresh foods, avoiding sugary things, drinking lots of water, not committing to things, telling my loved ones how I feel - I run to my Father. 

I cry, I groan, I even wail at Him...but I do so because just as we recognise a small child's physical weariness by their increasingly fretful behaviour and seek to comfort them and provide a bed for sleep, so too does our Heavenly Father recognise my emotional and mental weariness, and how that affects my behaviour. 

Always, I find comfort in the story of Elijah from 1 Kings.

Now Ahab told Jezebel everything Elijah had done and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword. So Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah to say, "May the gods deal with me, be it ever so severely, if by this time tomorrow I do not make your life like that of one of them." Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day's journey into the desert. He came to a broom tree, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. "I have had enough, LORD," he said. "Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors." Then he lay down under the tree and fell asleep (1 Kings 19:1-5).

Elijah was physically, mentally, and spiritually weary. He'd just defeated all the prophets of Baal. He ran and ran - escaping from Jezebel's threat to kill him - and finally collapsed under a broom tree. Elijah had stood for the Lord, and the Lord has answered resoundingly!

Now, I think too often we gloss over the fact that Elijah stood up to 850 idol worshiping prophets. He stood alone, his faith in our God strong and unfailing. One man's belief against the belief of a nation and it's prophets, king and queen! 

And how fearless was Elijah!? Wouldn't you love to have this confrontation re-played on DVD today?

But then we read on, and Elijah is like an entirely different man. His confidence is gone, his strength has vanished, and he's no longer striding toward the 'battle', but running away.

Have you ever felt so in touch with God that you're walking on a spiritual high? Has your faith been so clear that not a single doubt has come in to cloud a difficult situation? Times when you feel as though your prayers could indeed move a mountain?!

I have - many, many times!

At times like this I believe I'll never doubt God's word again; I'll never lose my joy; I'll never slip back into the pit; and I will forge a path closer and closer to the Father every single day from now on with nary a backward glance at the past.

But then I come crashing down once more.

It's usually after a time of intense spiritual growth and conquered trials; when I've seen answered prayers and miracles. Almost every time, I would have been going through weeks or months of concerted prayer over a loved one, a sin, or a situation being faced. 

It's as though all that intense spiritual adrenalin had run out, and I fall ever so low in a sorry heap, a shadow of the woman from one week ago. 

My first port of call is Accusation. I get angry at myself for 'failing' God with my depression after He's been so good to me. Then I want to run away and hide from Him - and even hide from my loved ones.

The more I try to wear the happy face for others, the deeper the pit takes me. I am ready to crawl into a ball on my bed, fall asleep, and not wake up.

 (my own photo - taken at Twilight Beach, WA, New Years Day, 2008)

And then I think of Elijah. I read how the Lord sent the Angel to bring him water and food, and soothe him to sleep.

I allow myself to sleep.

I allow my heart to cry out to my Father and lay before Him all my woes.

I remove the cloak of Accusation and the belt of Failure, and I remember I am human. 

I remove unnecessary things from my life that I cannot deal with in my present circumstances, and I listen to my husband's whisper, "Breathe, Jen...breathe..."

I forgive myself, and I offer my all to Him once more, and accept His arms as a place to take refuge.

Though the darkness may not have lifted yet, there is a Light shining on my heart from a candle of Hope.

God bless you,

Jenny

xxx

Benefits...

Not many people know that I fall into deep bouts of depression when the world has knocked me around more than I care for, and my body just wants to give up the good fight and hide away under the quilt, alone in the darkness with the solitude it offers.

It's apparently not good for Bible believing Christian to succumb to such things as it gives a bad reflection on our Lord...or so I have been told. 

Recently, a time of weary darkness shrouded me, and I found it difficult to remember that just the week before in my living room I had been praising and singing to my Lord with utter abandon, arms raised in worship, swirling in dance, tears of love and joy streaming down my face. Such is the ebb and flow of my walk with the Lord.

A good friend reminded me that when those times of darkness come upon me, it is towards the Cross I must run, and not away...I found her wisdom so comforting. More so because she also was in the midst of darkness, and as we talked over the phone, tears and wracking sobs broke through our conversation.

There is one thing I hold firm to when these times threaten to consume me - it will pass. It always does, and remembering my many walks out of darkness over the years, I let them shine Light upon my soul.

I am blessed that I have those anchors of truth and deliverance to hang on to, because they have caused my seasons of depression to be shortened.

Last week as I prayed my way through the inky depth that wanted to swallow me, I read the Psalms. In the Psalms I find comfort, hope, truth, and a desperate yearning for more of God in life. Psalm 103 stood out to me, and over the following days I have read and re-read, soaked my heart in the truth and lesson it offers...

"....and do not forget all His benefits."

Psalm 103:2

When my mind is pushing me towards the empty void, mostly I think about what I do not have, and the sorrows and disappointments that mark my life thus far.

My mind is awash with negativity and hurts.

BUT - as I read this verse over and over again, I began to do as it said. 

I began to list the Lord's benefits.

Over and over, more and more came to mind and I realised I could lay there all night and still not finish listing them.

They are more numerous that I imagined. More than grains of sand around the oceans of the earth.

They are truth.

They are mine.

They are life.

They are LIGHT in the darkness.

They are riches beyond measure.

They cannot be extinguished.

In any given day we may find ourselves toppled off the mountain of joy into the valley of despair - maybe from overwhelming obligations, financial stress, sickness, betrayal, grief, separation?

Add your own burden to the list.

Now, draw a line through that list and start a new one. 

Start listing the Lord's benefits in your life. Don't number them - you can't count that high.

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ name.

On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

(Edward Mote 1834)

Your sister in Christ,

Jenny

xx

Carved in my heart...

Recently my friend Ruth sent me a pebble she had found whilst holidaying at the beach. 

When I opened the small package my heart skipped a beat. 

The pebble had caught Ruth's eye because it was shaped as a J, and immediately she thought of me so hid in her pocket to post after the holiday.

It was later, after her walk, on removing the pebble from her pocket that she noticed what was carved inside the J...

When I held that pebble in my hand it was only days after our dear friend Pam had departed her earthly life and gone to meet Jesus. 

Overwhelmed with joy for Pam, I was also dealing with an immense depth of grief for her family and we friends left behind who would no longer hear her gentle voice and be graced with her heartfelt prayers.

Reflective of my own walk with the Lord, I was struck with shame by how far from Him I really was in my day to day 2012 existence. A new grief took root. I had much to pray through.

Then the pebble arrived.

As I unwrapped it from it's paper housing, all I saw was the cross. With the little stone warming in my palm, I wept.

And then I saw the shape, a J for Jenny. 

In an instant I felt it - the love of God that washes over you when all else seems dark and lonely - and my Comforter reminded me of his love for ME. He reminded me that His cross was carved into my heart the day I recognised Him as my Lord and Saviour.

He assured me that even though I ebb and flow with Christian fervour one day and worldly complacency the next, my heart still bears the engraved heart of Jesus, and He will not be erased. He has carved Himself into my life and I am His for all eternity.

Later that day I remembered a story I read about a missionary who was kidnapped and tortured for years.When finally released, he shared how in all those years not once did he feel God's presence. The interviewer asked him how he managed to hold fast to his faith when it seemed that God had cut him off.

He replied, "I never forgot, He knows my name."

There is light and darkness in the Christian life, and for some that darkness seems greater than you or I could bear, but if one day we do find ourselves alone and God's presence can't be felt, let us remember that one thing, He knows our name. 

I hold that cross carved pebble now as a reminder that He holds me, He sustains me, He leads me, He will not forget me.

 YOU are carved into His heart too.

God bless you,

Your sister in Christ,

Jenny

xx

More than I can handle...

It seems that women are well known as multi-taskers.

I remember carrying a toddler on my hip, whilst changing the nappy of my newborn, and at the same time keeping an eye on the dinner I was preparing for my husband, whilst listening to the weather man on television. It came naturally, this cramming as many things into the moment as I could.

But, more often that not it is to my detriment.

Yesterday I was at it again. My mind runs in so many directions that I am rarely focused on one thing, one person, one conversation, or one task. Whist I was washing the dishes, I was stirring a pot on the stove, and trying to grab a knife from the bench. A three handed, six eyed job, eh? And yet I have just two hands, and two eyes.

As I dropped the knife, turned sharply and splashed dishwashing water all over me, I had to pull the spoon from the pot, and almost burnt my lunch. Instantly I heard the Lord speak into my frustration, "You only have two hands. Why are you doing more than you are able?"

 It was one of those times where you hear that rebuke and stop dead in your tracks because the truth extends to far more than a kitchen mishap.

You know, I pay out quite a bit on my youngest child (aged 18) about the amount of time she spends on her iphone. We'll be having a coffee together, or preparing a meal, and the entire time she is talking to me she is maintaining two or three other conversations on her phone. It frustrates me SOOO much. I wonder if she remembers life without a mobile phone, a life where both hands were free, a life where you were fully present in a conversation or task and actually made eye contact?

But yesterday the Lord applied that same thought to my life. 

When I am running in and out, conducting my business via email, designing, sewing, cooking, washing, planning - planning - planning, doing four or five tasks at once...am I fully present in the moment? Whilst I am praying to Him *while* doing all these tasks, is my mind and heart fully engaged with He whom I am talking to??

If I am on my laptop working or reading, or if I am sewing by hand or machine, and my friend calls from another state needing to talk to me and I continue on with my activities, am I truly engaged with that person, or I am self-focused on my own agenda?

(If I am genuinely busy I should be honest enough to say so, and return the call at a more convenient time)

Relationships are not add-ons to our lives. They are the richness and marrow in our lives. Naturally, we can pray while we do things, but that cannot be our only form of prayer. Time alone with God, fully engaged with Him, is where the fullness of our Father/child relationship is found. It is in those times with Him alone that we are more open to the teaching and correction of the Holy Spirit, where we proclaim by our actions that He is number one, and nothing comes before Him.

Relationships with people require me to listen and be attentive to their needs too, otherwise how can I truly know them and be there to help when a situation arises? 

Most days I spend time alone in my Bible, and time alone in prayer. Some days I don't rush these times, but some days I do. Some days, I just have so many things waiting for my attention that God is relegated a small spot in between breakfast and the washing, and I pray 'on the run'. This grieves me so much because above all else in my life I want HIM.

I was reading in Psalm 101 this morning, "...come into His presence with singing" (verse 2), and I remembered when I first became a Christian, and that is exactly what I did every day. I sang to Him. I sang of His love, and His glory, and His promises - day in, day out, this was my habit. From singing I would open the Word and immerse myself in it. Then, the prayers...of praise, of thanks, of repentance, of forgiveness, of others' needs, of my needs.

And what I remember most is that all the tasks that were needful in my day were approached with a gentle heart, and all were achieved without stress or speed. He who multiplied the loaves and fishes, can multiply my time if there is a true need.

But as well as this lesson today in His Word, He has also prompted me to examine my life and the tasks I commit myself to. God does not give me more than I can handle, but *I* give myself that burden.

This morning I put everything aside and came into His presence with singing once more. Wow...what a difference. All else faded away, and it was just me and Him. Awesome. Time stood still, and I felt His pleasure. This must become part of my daily worship once more. Thank you Lord for opening my mind to what is truly needed in my life.

So from today, I am seeking Him for guidance and revelation to expose the non-essential things in my life that must be removed - whether this be activities, commitments, relationships, tasks, emails, phone calls - all the time eating things that cause me to fragment my mind and not give God and others my full attention. 

After all, my daughter may live through her iPhone, but aren't I just as distracted?

"You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Matthew 7:5

Your sister in Christ,

Jenny

xx

My friend Pam...

In my life I have been able to count my true friends on both hands. Apart from one friend I made in my teens, the others I did not meet until my 30's and 40's.

One of my dearest friends is Pam.

Pam is a prayer warrior, one of my three prayer circle friends. We met in 2000 through an email group when we began homeschooling. It wasn't (isn't) easy for me to make friends, but she persisted until I let go of my fears and took her hand in friendship. I know she has a habit of doing that to women. She reached out and showed the love and grace of Jesus, and captured our hearts.

During the night, my lovely friend passed away suddenly into the arms of our Saviour.

She would not have planned to meet Him this way...she is a loyal and loving wife, and the mother-of-all-mothers to four children aged 3 - 18. Having two little girls in her mid and late 40's was a joy for her that words cannot describe, and in every conversation we had she expressed that delight. Her four children were her world.

Most of our 13 year relationship has been conducted over the phone. We've only met face to face a handful of times, as we've never lived in the same city, and rarely have I been in the same state, but those times were filled with love and laughter, and hospitality as I have never before or since, experienced. 

Opening my heart to Pam, I knew there was safety. She cared so much about all people...and I never doubted her care for me. In another life I would have wanted her as my mother...

Pam, 2008.

In an earlier issue of my magazine I shared the "Prayer Circle" block...

I also explained who the three friends were that I'd stitched into the block.

Pam was one of them. 

We four - Pam, Elizabeth, Ruth and I have held each other in prayer through the brightest and the darkest of days...

Each one of these ladies is a gift to me. Sisters not by birth, but by the Lord's hand.

Pam was a woman so gentle, so forgiving, so gracious. She has left a gaping hole in our lives and hearts.

But we know where she is today. We know that she stands before her Saviour in all His glory, and we know that He welcomed her into His presence with, "Well done, my good and faithful servant".

As you can imagine, the lives of her girls (ages 3 and 5), and her sons (ages 16 and 18), and the life of her husband, Gordon, is now a train wreck of grief.

PLEASE pray for them. Please pray for Pam's mother, her sister, and her brother. 

PLEASE, hold them in prayer for a long time because the journey ahead will be long.

I will be gone from blogging for a bit.

I know you'll understand. 

Love

Jenny

xx

Wife-ing...in God

I have been blessed this last week with both my daughters telling me at different times that they use my marriage to Mr E as an example of a Godly marriage. They have grown up seeing the love, grace, devotion, respect, and honour that my husband and I show towards each other, and it has made a big impact on them. I praise God for this because without His constant re-adjusting of our natures we would not have this testimony.

You see, a marriage without God is like a ship without a rudder. It will just drift in the direction of the tides, open to all kinds of storms and possible destruction with minimal hope of salvage. Two sinful self-indulgent beings living a life of supernatural grace and self-sacrifice in their marriage - without GOD - is rare.

Throughout our 20+ years of marriage I have failed time and again to appreciate my husband, my womanhood, my position as a daughter of the King - but more importantly I had failed to listen to the Lord. It was in thinking of myself and my needs above those of my husband that my greatest struggles arose.

Due to circumstances in my life before meeting Mr E, I had a deep need to always be in control. If I could not plan and predict an outcome I would panic. I am seven years older than my husband and that made me feel that I knew better than him. Honestly, those first years of our marriage were the hardest years of my life. We were like two trains at one station, heading in opposite directions. The station platform was our Christian faith, but the rails heading either east or west were our differing desires on how to live it out.

Over the years the Lord was a patient but firm teacher, and we grew up. We began to study the Bible about our God-given roles - which were very different to the roles the world around us encouraged. The more we sought God for direction, and obeyed, the more naturally we found ourselves on the same train going the same way.

I love how Paul instructs husbands to 'love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church' (Ephesians 5:25)

In the same chapter Paul directs that "women submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord" (Ephesians 5:22)

Now, these verses when taken on their own, have stirred up many a Christian woman's complaint about submitting to their husbands. Her need to control their lives, their marriages, their income, their children, their future, dictates the kind of marriage she will have to endure through her own fault. This is a marriage without God involved because if she cannot allow her husband to lead, then God is not there either. God's word is always true, always holy, always life-giving, always to be obeyed.

I learned the hard way that trying to be the controller of our marriage meant I was disobeying God, and I could not win against Him.
GOD vs jenny - He wins every time. 

Eventually, I began to see through my sin and knew that I had to trust God completely if I was to see the fruit of blessings He had promised us on our wedding day. It was time to stop driving my train altogether, and get on board my husband's permanently.

It occurred to me that unless I submitted to my husband, as unto the Lord, I would not fully experience him loving me as Christ loved the church. I couldn't receive the promise of that love unless I first showed him respect and honour in all things, and laid aside my pride. Did you notice that Paul's directive to wives in Ephesians (5:22), is listed before his directive to men? (5:25) Key point for me. ;-)

I changed...my marriage changed...my husband changed.
 Today I am still making mistakes, but I ask the Lord to show me what they are so that I can repent swiftly, and be the wife He has called me to be. Just this week I learned two new lessons, and they will be hard for me to act upon, but through God's grace and the guidance of His Holy Spirit I'll conquer them and be a more blessed wife, mother, and daughter of the King than I was last week.

The blessing of obedience to God's Word is that we don't have to carry shame, guilt, or self-recrimination. These things harden the heart, weaken the soul, and open doors to more sin. How merciful our Father is, that through His Son we can be free from such things. Through obedience to God's Word we have the ability to lift our husbands in such a way that they will be respected in the eyes of others, and praise us for bringing them that honour. (Proverbs31: 23,28,29)

Here is a challenge I have given myself, and I invite you to join in.
Read Proverbs 31:10-31 today, and place your own name within the verses.

I started...

"Who can find a virtuous wife? For Jenny's worth is far above rubies. The heart of Jenny's husband safely trusts her: so Mark will have no lack of gain. Jenny does Mark good and not evil all the days of her life......"

When I read this I find it confronting because it's no longer some mystery woman the Scriptures are describing. It is me!

Or is it?
Over the coming week I am going to be praying for God to show me the areas in our marriage where I am blind to my sin. You see, I have experienced the abundant fruit of a righteous marriage, but I have also discovered seasons where the fruit is lacking.

It is my heart felt desire that I not see lack again, and because I am praying with a Godly motive I know the Lord will be by my side ahead of me as I pursue an increase of holiness in my marriage. As lovely as the testimony my daughters have seen in our marriage is, may I never rest on that, but seek after righteousness always. The flesh is still sinful, but with Christ, I have the hope and strength to conquer each sin.

John Piper has a free book on marriage available to download from his website. 

To see the teachings of this book in action please take 8 minutes from your day to watch the short video below. Grab a tissue, and see what a Godly marriage can be.

You can download John Piper's book, "This Momentary Marriage" HERE.
I have and will start reading today. 

Your sister in Christ,
Jenny
xx

The seed...

Over the last year the Lord has led me back to the parable of the sower many, many times. 

This is a parable I have known from childhood, long before giving my life to Christ in 1991. I guess that's why I never really took it in, never actually meditated and prayed on it's relevance to my personal faith walk. 

It was one of many wonderful illustrations Jesus used to show us how far from God we can be, and as I read them I tended to apply them to the unsaved, or those Christians in my circle of acquaintances who weren't (in my imperfect opinion) living their lives honouring God.

But last year the Lord opened the eyes of my understanding about this parable, by illuminating *me* in Jesus' explanation.

If you haven't read it in a while, let's go through it now. In Matthew 13:3-8 Jesus tells this parable to a multitude on the shore...

³ Then He spoke many things to them in parables, saying: “Behold, a sower went out to sow. ⁴ And as he sowed, some seed fell by the wayside; and the birds came and devoured them. ⁵ Some fell on stony places, where they did not have much earth; they immediately sprang up because they had no depth of earth. ⁶ But when the sun was up they were scorched, and because they had no root they withered away. ⁷ And some fell among thorns, and the thorns sprang up and choked them. ⁸ But others fell on good ground and yielded a crop, some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty. ⁹ He who has ears to hear, let him hear.”

 Later in the same chapter He explains to his followers what the parable means...

¹⁸ Therefore, hear the parable of the sower: ¹⁹ When anyone hears the word of the kingdom, and does not understand it, then the wicked one comes and snatches away what was sown in his heart. This is he who received seed by the wayside. ²⁰ But he who received the seed on stony places, this is he who hears the word and immediately receives it with joy; ²¹ yet he has no root in himself, but endures only for a while. For when tribulation or persecution arises because of the word, immediately he stumbles. ²² Now he who received seed among the thorns is he who hears the word, and the cares of this world and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word, and he becomes unfruitful, ²³ But he who received seed on the good ground is he who hears the word and understands it, who indeed bears fruit and produces: some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty.”

Last year, after numerous leadings to read this passage, I finally asked the Holy Spirit to show me what soil I had become.

What faced me was the knowledge that my once close and devoted relationship with Jesus, a relationship that had once borne good fruit, was now struggling. It lay choking for breath with the cares of this world, and I could not deny it. I saw my sin, and I saw the consequences. Treasures in heaven? No. Souls led into the Kindgom? No. Only the concerns of this world. 

One day when out riding with a group of motorcyclists one of our number suffered severe chest pains and told me, breathlessly, that he wasn't sure he'd be able to ride home again. I asked if I could pray for him, and he responded, "Gladly". I lifted this man to the Father and asked for my friend's health to be restored that he could breathe, be relieved of worry, and have the strength to ride the 300 klms back to his home.

After praying he looked up at me and said, "I didn't know you were a Christian."

POW! Straight to the gut. Now I was the one unable to breathe. Those words cut through me like a hot knife through butter. After riding with this man in our club for over a year, he had not seen Christ in me. 

He was a Christian too, and I also had not seen Jesus in his life, but that was between he and the Lord. That day God was shining His truth on my life, and my desire to compare another brother's walk to mine wasn't going to change a thing.

Part of stepping out of our lukewarm lives is identifying how we have gone off the boil for Jesus, and allowing the Holy Spirit to illuminate that truth in such a way that we cannot hide from it. I think Max Lucado explained it well when he wrote, "God loves you too much to allow you to stay the same". 

It's hard for me to share my weaknesses with you because I am digging them out from a suitcase in my heart where they've been hidden from sight, allowing me to look clean when in reality I am so far from that.

BUT, then God.

He who brings the hidden things to light uses His Word to open up my 'whole' life in light of the Son whose sacrifice on Calvary paid for every filthy sin within.

Then, on my knees, repentance. 

Then, with hands lifted high, I receive His forgiveness. 

And after, and only then, can He pick me up and set my feet back on the narrow path that leads to life.

I share with you because He asks it of me. I pray for you because He loves you.

Challenge: 

Can you identify yourself in this parable? 

Will you look within your life today, at the fruit/or lack of, and clearly identify which soil you are? 

 May the seeds He has planted within us be nourished in good soil, and bear much fruit for His Kingdom.

Your sister in Christ,

Jenny

xxx